COMPLAINTS OF MODERN DAY VAMPIRES

 

* Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.

* NutraSweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.

* Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.

* Three Words: Daylight Savings Time

* Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling, "Look Ma! It's Elvis!"

* After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.

* After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.

* No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.

* With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs are suddenly off-limits.

* No warm blood for miles around DC.

* Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.

* No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.

* Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized "hardbodies."

* Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.

* Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.

 

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