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YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM CALIFORNIA WHEN...
* The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway. * You were born somewhere else. * You know how to eat an artichoke. * The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic. * Your car has bullet-proof windows. * Left is right and right is wrong. * Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income. * Your mouse has only one ball. * You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up. * You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by. * You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it. * You drive to your neighborhood block party. * Your family tree contains "significant others." * Your cat has its own psychiatrist. * You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them. * You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance. * More than clothes come out of the closets. * When "the Dead" are best live. * You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse. * More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers. * Smoking in your office is not optional. * You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach. * When you can't schedule a meeting because you must "do lunch." * Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks. * Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news. * You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman. * You consult your horoscope before planning your day. * A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery. * When all highways into the state say: "no fruits." * All highways out of the state say: "Go back."
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