ASSORTED SHORT JOKES

"That smoker's toothpaste you bought me isn't any good!" the husband complained.

"C'mon, dear, just give it a try. It'll get those nicotine stains off of your teeth in no time," his wife replied.

"I don't know how you can say that! I can't even light the damn stuff!" he shouted.

I was commuting from Brooklyn to my job in Manhattan. I'd finished reading the morning paper and was saving it to bring to my friends at work. How do you save a newspaper on the subway? You sit on it.

A new commuter came in, saw the newspaper under my rear and asked, "Are you reading that paper?"

I stood up, turned the page, sat down on the paper and answered, "Yes."

A Kiwi was hoping to immigrate to Australia. Upon arriving in Australia, he was questioned by a customs officer, "What is your business in Australia?"

"I wish to immigrate," was the Kiwi's reply.

The customs officer then asked, "Do you have a conviction record?"

Confused, the Kiwi then replied, "I didn't think you still needed one."

They think they can make fuel from horse manure ... Now I don't know if your car will be able to get thirty miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put a stop to siphoning.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

Do you know how you can spot Ronald McDonald on the beach?
He is the only one with sesame seed buns.

What do you call a Nazi tampon?
A twatztika.

What's the difference between Marv Albert and Sharon Stone?
Sharon Stone doesn't wear panties.

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

Have you heard of the new Ken Doll. It's called the "Child Support Ken"?
It can't be found.

What do you call a funeral where you smell your own flowers?
A wedding.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.

How do you get five hundred cows in a barn?
Put up a "Bingo" sign.

What does a bulimic have for dessert?
Two fingers.

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes sir," came the reply, "it's fresh ground."

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
He looks through a catalog in the plastic surgeon's office.

How can you recognize a burned-out hippie?
He used to take acid, now he takes antacid.

Did you hear about the all midget porno flick?
It's the first to feature full runtal nudity.

Did you hear they found another dead Heavens Gate member?
He was under the sink behind the Comet!

What has three teeth and sixty feet?
The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.

What is the new O.J. web site address?
slash.slash.backslash.escape

What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.

How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe?
You can tune the lawn mower.

What's the range of a bagpipe?
Twenty yards if you have a good arm.

Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.

How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
Someone is blowing into it.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the sound.

What's the definition of "optimism?"
A bagpiper with a beeper.

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with....the other is used to carry groceries.

What is the difference between a peeping tom and a robber? 
A robber snatches watches.

Have you heard about the new sub sandwich being sold at a national food chain?
It's called the O.J. It's full of bologna, tough to swallow and the stupid people are still buying it!

What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
Money.

What does Dr. Spock and Michael Jackson have in common?
They both know how to rear a child.

A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given. "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.

"I know," the owner said, "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."

The contractor said, "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."

Adolph Hitler was having terrible nightmares, and so he decided to go to a fortune teller hoping that the woman could find the source of his problem.

"I am sorry but I am unable to help you solve your dreams," said the fortune teller, "but I do know that you will die on a Jewish holiday."

"And which holiday will this be?" he asked.

"It does not matter," she replied. "Any day that you die will be a Jewish holiday."

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."

The other hooks his thumb behind him says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."

One day there were three people. Their names were Manners, Trouble and Shut up. One day they were playing hide and seek. Manners got a tummy ache so he went to the toilet. Trouble was hiding. Shut up was finding Trouble when he met a policeman. 

The policeman said, "What is your name?" 

"Shut up!" 

The policeman replied, "Are you looking for trouble?"

"Yes!" 

The policeman fumed, "Where are your manners?"

"In the toilet."

Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the USA from China. They decided to become American citizens, and "Americanize" their names.

Bu, called himself "Buck"

Chu called himself "Chuck"

Fu decided to return to China.

This just in from the CNN News Room:

Poland's Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland.

Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines."

Recently, our town received a grant to build housing for midgets. According to our demographics, they figured that we should have six midgets living here. They sent enough money so that we could finance the building of homes and let the "little people" pay less than the going rate for rent.

Since we have only one "little person" living here it turns out that he won't have to pay anything for the only house we built, the subsidy covers everything. We call it a Stay Free Mini Pad.

When we were looking to buy property I had this over zealous Realtor show us what can only be described as a totally worn-out old farm. I mean the land had just been worked to death. The weeds were hardly even growing.

The smiling super salesman said, "Now really, all this land needs is a little water, a nice cool breeze and some good people."

I replied, "Yeah, I agree, but couldn't the same be said of Hell?"

At a holiday banquet, a handsome young gentleman sits next to a very attractive but quite provocatively dressed young woman. In a moment of self-consciousness, she asks if he thinks that her dress is cut too deeply. Being a gentleman, he ponders how to confirm that without insulting the busty lady. He leans over and says, "Do you have hair on your chest?"

"No," she answers in surprise.

He thinks again and says, "Well, in that case it IS too deeply cut."

A group of young men were sitting around the coffee shop complaining about how hard it was to get by in this day and age.

Bob, an old timer, was listening to them and finally spoke. "You kids don't know what hard times are. Why, when I was your age we were so poor we couldn't afford electricity. Why, we even had to watch television by candle light."

Hal says to Robert, "Would you believe I just burned a thousand-dollar bill?"

"Jeez," says Robert, "I envy your success."

"What success? It was easier to burn it than to pay it."

"My husband's always playing around," Liz complained to Debbie as they pedaled their exercise bicycles one morning. "It's made me so anxious I can't even eat."

"Then why don't you leave him?" Debbie asked.

"Oh, I will," replied Liz, "just as soon as I hit 105."

So O.J.'s in court the other day, and he's getting kind of cold. He can't take it anymore, so he stands up and says to Judge Ito, "Judge, it's freezing in here - how about turning up the air condition?"

Ito replies, "Mr. Simpson, this is my courtroom and I'll keep it any temperature I like."

So O.J. says, "Well, okay, but can I have my hat and gloves back?"

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with too!" he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The rich man replied "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about six inches high!"