REALTOR TERMS

When they say and what they really mean...

* SOPHISTICATED CITY LIVING - Next to a noisy bar.

* OLD WORLD CHARM - Has some woodwork, needs cleaning.

* CONTEMPORARY FEELING - Has no woodwork, needs cleaning.

* CLOSE TO LAKES - Impossible to park from April to October.

* WIDE OPEN FLOOR PLAN - Previous owner removed supporting walls.

* SECURITY SYSTEM - Neighbor has a dog.

* NEEDS TLC - Major structural damage.

* UPDATED KITCHEN - Sink no longer overflows.

* MOTIVATED SELLER - Has been on the market for 14 years.

* CONVENIENT - Located on freeway entrance ramp.

* MINT - Someone has spilled mouthwash on the carpet.

* NEUTRAL DECOR - No murals of nudes, or Elvis, but has brown walls.

* MOVE IN CONDITION - Front door missing.

* COZY - No room larger than 9 x 6.

* LOWER LEVEL FAMILY ROOM - Ping Pong table over sewer opening.

* LIGHT OPEN SPACES - Many holes in walls and ceiling.

* OUTSTANDING - Painted purple, sticks out like a sore thumb.

* A WEALTH OF PERIOD FEATURES - Yourself, dry rot, rising damp and an electrical circuit best operated in rubber gloves and wellies.

* BOX ROOM - Suitable for accommodating one or two large cardboard boxes ... folded.

* BY PRIVATE TREATY - If it went to auction it would never reach the reserve price.

* COMPACT - Tiny.

* COUNTRY GENTLEMAN'S RESIDENCE - No longer suitable for agricultural tenants.

* DECEPTIVE APPEARANCE - It looks terrible.

* DELIGHTFUL RURAL LOCATION - In flight path of nuclear bomber base.

* EASILY MAINTAINED - Requires at least two gardeners and live-in maid.

* EXTENSIVELY MODERNIZED - Former DIY owner had a breakdown under the strain.

* FOR THE GARDENING ENTHUSIAST - Grounds like a jungle.

* LOCAL AUTHORITY GRANTS AVAILABLE - About to be condemned.

* MUCH SOUGHT AFTER - It's been on the market at least twice before and still no one wants it.

* OWNER EAGER TO SELL - If it goes within a week the subsidence cracks won't be noticed.

* PARTIAL CENTRAL HEATING - The room above the boiler can get warm in summer.

* PERIOD RESIDENCE - Built in the last two years.

* QUIET, SECLUDED SETTING - On site of proposed dormitory town.

* RARE OPPORTUNITY TO BUY - No one else want's it.

* SELECT NEIGHBORHOOD - Beside sewage works.

* SOLD - Unless idiots like you offer a higher price.

* SUBJECT TO NEW INSTRUCTIONS - They have just discovered death watch beetle.

* UNSPOILED - Planning permission granted for field next door.

* UNUSUAL FEATURES - No roof.

* UNUSUAL LOCATION - In the path of a projected motorway.

* USEFUL OUTBUILDINGS - No inside toilet.

* WELL SITUATED - In full view of the neighbors.

* WITHIN EASY DISTANCE OF - Next door to a pub and opposite a sex shop local amenities.