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| SIGNS YOU'VE HIRED THE WRONG CLOWN
* By the end of the party, he's got every damn kid doing the "pull my finger" trick. * Clown car must be started with breathalyzer device. * Keeps screaming, "My name's not BO-zo, it's bo-ZO!" * References to Kierkegaard and Nietzsche are lost on most 5-year olds. * Props for his "disappearing" trick: a moving van and your wide-screen TV. * Scares the holy hell outta the kids during the "Severed Limb" trick. * Tells the kids he killed Barney in a blood match in Newark. * Didn't bring any balloons, but manages to twist your dachshund into other animal shapes. * Prefaces each trick with, "here's a little number I learned in the joint." * Not exactly the Peewee Herman impression you were expecting. * Wears a T-Shirt that says, "Drug-free since March!" * More interested in squirting seltzer into his Scotch than into his pants. * Those huge ears look too darn life-like, and the entire act consists of showing charts and complaining about the deficit. * A sad clown is one thing -- a clown who spends the entire party with a gun to his temple is another thing entirely. * Only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a "snake on acid." * Business cards include the phrase "From the Mind of Stephen King..." * Price list includes "lap dance" and "around the world. * All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.
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