YOU MIGHT BE A YANKEE IF...

* You don't know kudzu from kung fu.

* You enjoy living in filth.

* The only kind of grass you've seen is the kind you smoke.

* You prefer Bruce Springsteen to Bocephus.

* The thought of eating scrapple doesn't turn your stomach.

* You talk real fast and charm real slow.

* You think smog is a sky color.

* You think all cars are yellow and have a light on top.

* You think barbecue is a verb, not a noun.

* Your momma spends more time in hockey locker rooms than your father's bedroom.

* You think okra is a talk show host.

* You can be surrounded by crime and "didn't see a thing!!"

* You didn't know chickens laid eggs and cows produced milk.

* You waste large amounts of money on a date, when all you had to do was ask.

* You think Skoal is a form of punishment.

* You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."

* You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!

* You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

* For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.

* You don't know what a moon pie is.

* You've never had grain alcohol.

* You've never, ever, eaten okra.

* You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

* You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.

* You have no idea what a polecat is.

* You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

* You don't have bangs.

* You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.

* More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.

* You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

* Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.

* You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.

* You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.

* You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

* You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

* The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.

* You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

* The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.

* You call binoculars opera glasses.

* You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.

* You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.

* You don't know what applique is.

* You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean)

* You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.

* You've never been to a craft show.

* You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

* You can't do your laundry without quarters.

* None of your fur coats are homemade.